I am back outside the prison where they kill people!

I can’t even remember how many times I have done this; I just know it never gets easier.

We are 50-60 people protesting this execution - 2 people agreeing to it.

My pastor asked in church Sunday, if we as humans could express Gods feelings, and today I learned…. Every tear shed at these executions are Gods tears. One of His children is getting killed.

It is way past six o’clock, and nothing is happening outside the building where they kill.

 We wait, and we wait.

There was a time when waiting was a good thing. When it really meant a stay of execution, and not just served some political agendas.

More minutes pass. Then the phone call that tells us there is issued a stay from the US Supreme Court…. Where was Clarence Hill all this time we waited? For more than 1 ½  hours. Was he already strapped down? What about his family? Did they know? Or did they think that Clarence was killed at 6.00 as planned.

How is this possible? How can we play this cruel game over and over again?

Being a parent, child, friend or wife to some one who are sentenced to death is beyond description.

Family members and loved ones to some one who is sentenced to death live in perfect hell every day – .

A mom who gave life to a child who later became a murderer gets no sympathy any where, no understanding and no support. She has to live with the shame and the condemnation from the world around her, although she has done nothing wrong. And she has to try and make peace with the fact that her child will one day be killed, and she has to watch the news and listen to the description of her son being a heartless monster.

A child who’s dad get sentenced to death do not understand, do not stop loving, and most surely do not deserve the name calling, the feelings of shame and the anxiety that comes with the whole process.

Those who love someone sentenced to death, are sentenced to an unknown number of years in utter fear and despair. They know someone will kill their son, they just don’t know when. They know the world hates and despises their dad and can’t wait to kill him, they just don’t exactly know why?

And as the years go by, the fear grows. They have to walk this road alone, because no one can possibly understand, and unlike any other road we travel as humans, they know what awaits at the end.

One day a piece of paper will be signed, with a date, then the image of a gurney, an executioner, and a set time where their beloved son, dad, friend or husband will be killed. They KNOW!…..they sit in their hotel room down the road from the prison while other human beings prepare the murder of their loved one. They know almost by the minute how it will go, how he gets strapped down, how they prepare him for the injection, how the curtain will be opened so that people full of bitterness and anger can watch the killing take place. They are not allowed to be there, they know their loved one is about to die the most lonely death possible.

 I met several good friends today at the rally…and we talked about my husband and his new situation. And standing out there in front of the prison, I realize that for me it is over. I never have to think these thoughts again, I never have to worry about my girls again… It is really over.

James is no longer on death row, He is just a regular guy in prison waiting for parole.

For the first time since it happened I allow my self to just bow my head and cry.

Not only tears of relief, but also the tears I never allowed my self to cry or even admit was there-

Now, when it is over, can I not only feel the fear, but also let it go!

I pray that one day we can all let go of the shame that does not belong to us.

I pray that one day we will be strong enough to all stand outside the prison while they prepare to kill one of our loved ones,  and say NO… No more killing…. No more victims…no more passing on the pain…

I pray that this country will one day see that what we have to go through as relatives to death row prisoners is not only CRUEL, but also highly UNUSUAL.

These words are for the other victims.

The invisible victims who KNOW that their loved one will one day get killed, they KNOW their loved one will be victims of a premeditated murder, a heinous murder, a calculated and cold-blooded murder.

They know it will happen, they are helpless…. There is absolutely NOTHING they can do to stop it.

 Can anyone possibly imagine… being a mom, knowing that behind that prison wall your child is being prepared to get killed. You cannot help him, you cannot see him, you cannot comfort him or even hold his hand. Your child is about to leave this world all by himself, only followed by the hate and indifference from the people surrounding him.

 It is not right, - it never was right and it will never be right….. And God weeps.

 Hannah Floyd